…...and Fairy Godmothers.
Everyone needs a Fairy Godmother. I’ve got a special one and I’m not sharing because she also has hidden talents.
Not only is she completely loopy, absolutely hilarious in her observations on life and the most naturally caring individual you could know, she can ….wait for it…..cannulate!
Having weekly chemotherapy means a twice weekly prodding of the veins. Once for a blood test and once to have a cannula inserted for the “Red Devils” (or drug of the week) in be infused through.
So far I’m lucky to be complimented by the nurses on the good behaviour of my veins. They don’t run away and hide and none of them have so far collapsed. It does happen for many patients though, particularly when veins are regularly abused by needles and toxic potions, so only time will tell if mine suddenly see the light and disappear.
Should the old veins dare to play up then the Cannula Queen has permission to be let loose on me. I shall either smuggle her into the treatment room or insist on a home supply of equipment so she can stab my veins over a coffee!
Needless to say she has other medical skills too, you don’t tend to learn these things just by chance. Some of these could be quite useful, for instance, she knows just how to unstick an inadvertently superglued toe from a sandal. One that I do draw the line at though is the precordial thump ….the whack on the chest you might get if ever you’re unfortunate enough to have a heart attack. Well if she thumps me I’d have to thump back now wouldn’t I? She wouldn’t expect any less from a Bad Fairy!
As Fairy Godmothers go, mine is up there with the five star ones. Obviously everyone will look for different qualities in their Fairy Godmothers. For me the things that stand out are the glistening heart of gold that’s impossible to hide, the naughty twinkle in the eye, the tear inducing giggle, the instinct that allows us to talk, at just the right time, about things others shy away from and the feeling that despite not knowing each other for long it feels like forever ….in a good way. Oh and did I mention that she cannulates AND bakes cakes?
Friday 30 April 2010
Tuesday 27 April 2010
Feeling guilty ....
…..for being quiet and grumpy!.
Bad Fairies aren’t known for being quiet so sometimes we have to put a bit of practise in and that‘s what I‘ve been doing.
The past three weeks have been very busy in the Bad Fairy house, school holidays, meeting up with an old school friend, parents visiting and parents staying. All very lovely and thoroughly enjoyable but here’s the rub. I hate admitted that my energy levels aren’t what they were. Giving in to feeling tired isn’t something I do. Spur of the moment is my style and unfortunately spur of the moment is a bit of a drain on the limited fairy resources ….and then I pay the price.
Being sociable is something I enjoy, certainly not something which used to use up much energy. Weird how now it does if I don’t pace myself better. It’s not just physical energy either, mental energy leaks out of my ears like little puffs of dragon’s smoke! A combination of being poisoned weekly, having lumpy bad bits tapping into vital energy supplies and doing all of the usual mum stuff should give me a hint that reserves are likely to be lower but I choose to ignore that.
The lack of mental energy can cause problems. Lack of concentration which can make conversations really weird. The appalling memory skills. Knowing that it really isn’t worth my while trying to do Junior Bad Fairy homework are some of the less troublesome. The worst is that I read too much into what others say and could very easily over react. I want to shout (but don’t) that it’s not important that you had sugar in your tea and didn’t want it, who cares if a plate got smashed, does it really matter that someone pushed into a queue of traffic …. I want to be very selfish and shout (but still don’t!) that what’s important is that I’m grateful to have woken up this morning and I’m alive.
The solution. Well, I suppose I could be sensible and space things out better but that seems a bit boring and predictable. So the Bad Fairy solution is, wear yourself out to the point where you can’t remember how to spell your own name and then spend some time in quiet reflection. Not sleeping, just sitting. No company, apart from some very gentle burbling bubbles, no interruptions. Reorganise the cluttered mental filing cabinets, wear a grumpy face and relax! Works a treat.
In my defence I have to say, the grumpy face isn’t grumpy. It’s my thinking face. It’s just relaxed, not smiling or frowning, not doing anything really just being there, sort of non-expressive I suppose. Miss Bad Fairy calls it my grumpy face but I think that’s because she gets confused with quiet and grumpy, neither of which come naturally to her either!
Bad Fairies aren’t known for being quiet so sometimes we have to put a bit of practise in and that‘s what I‘ve been doing.
The past three weeks have been very busy in the Bad Fairy house, school holidays, meeting up with an old school friend, parents visiting and parents staying. All very lovely and thoroughly enjoyable but here’s the rub. I hate admitted that my energy levels aren’t what they were. Giving in to feeling tired isn’t something I do. Spur of the moment is my style and unfortunately spur of the moment is a bit of a drain on the limited fairy resources ….and then I pay the price.
Being sociable is something I enjoy, certainly not something which used to use up much energy. Weird how now it does if I don’t pace myself better. It’s not just physical energy either, mental energy leaks out of my ears like little puffs of dragon’s smoke! A combination of being poisoned weekly, having lumpy bad bits tapping into vital energy supplies and doing all of the usual mum stuff should give me a hint that reserves are likely to be lower but I choose to ignore that.
The lack of mental energy can cause problems. Lack of concentration which can make conversations really weird. The appalling memory skills. Knowing that it really isn’t worth my while trying to do Junior Bad Fairy homework are some of the less troublesome. The worst is that I read too much into what others say and could very easily over react. I want to shout (but don’t) that it’s not important that you had sugar in your tea and didn’t want it, who cares if a plate got smashed, does it really matter that someone pushed into a queue of traffic …. I want to be very selfish and shout (but still don’t!) that what’s important is that I’m grateful to have woken up this morning and I’m alive.
The solution. Well, I suppose I could be sensible and space things out better but that seems a bit boring and predictable. So the Bad Fairy solution is, wear yourself out to the point where you can’t remember how to spell your own name and then spend some time in quiet reflection. Not sleeping, just sitting. No company, apart from some very gentle burbling bubbles, no interruptions. Reorganise the cluttered mental filing cabinets, wear a grumpy face and relax! Works a treat.
In my defence I have to say, the grumpy face isn’t grumpy. It’s my thinking face. It’s just relaxed, not smiling or frowning, not doing anything really just being there, sort of non-expressive I suppose. Miss Bad Fairy calls it my grumpy face but I think that’s because she gets confused with quiet and grumpy, neither of which come naturally to her either!
Friday 16 April 2010
Comments .....
…… thank you.
A little interruption to the usual flow of the blog. I’d like to say thank you to all of you that read my ramblings and most importantly to everyone who has posted a comment, on the blog, on the Macmillan site and elsewhere, along with all of the lovely emails.
Your comments and feedback are truly appreciated, not only by myself but also Mr Bad Fairy and hopefully in years to come by the Junior Bad Fairies too.
I’ve always said that my only intention with writing this was to try and show people that you don’t have to lose your humour, you don’t have to change the way you think or behave in the face of cancer. If my ramblings are able to make one person smile, that otherwise wouldn’t be, then I’ve succeeded in what I set out to do.
So thank you. Please keep commenting, good and bad, along with any suggestions of things you think I may have missed or could explain better.
From a humble Bad Fairy x
A little interruption to the usual flow of the blog. I’d like to say thank you to all of you that read my ramblings and most importantly to everyone who has posted a comment, on the blog, on the Macmillan site and elsewhere, along with all of the lovely emails.
Your comments and feedback are truly appreciated, not only by myself but also Mr Bad Fairy and hopefully in years to come by the Junior Bad Fairies too.
I’ve always said that my only intention with writing this was to try and show people that you don’t have to lose your humour, you don’t have to change the way you think or behave in the face of cancer. If my ramblings are able to make one person smile, that otherwise wouldn’t be, then I’ve succeeded in what I set out to do.
So thank you. Please keep commenting, good and bad, along with any suggestions of things you think I may have missed or could explain better.
From a humble Bad Fairy x
Wednesday 14 April 2010
Toxic burps.......
..….how to clear a room in an instant!
Have you ever stood in a queue and just wished that everyone in front of you would miraculously disappear? I have, I’m not the most patient of shoppers at the best of times, shopping fights for the prized last place on the to-do list with housework. I now have a secret weapon which clears an aisle/bar/queue in an instant!
The Toxic Burp. It’s a rather rank and putrid burp admittedly but it does a fantastic job so mustn’t be criticised too heavily. I think it’s brought about by the culmination of so many drugs to counter act the side effects of the side effects that the side effects cause … if you get my drift!!
Toxic burps seem to be rather selective which I suppose is a good thing. They pick one week at a time and then shuffle off and retreat to some little pit somewhere to be infused with smelly things until their next outing a couple of weeks later. The recipe would probably make for interesting reading.
Why not do the ladylike thing and keep them to yourself I hear you ask? Hah! Have you had toxic burps? Have you tried to suppress a toxic burp? Easier said than done. They have a mind of their own and will not be stopped in their flow. Their need to release that pent up stink, ideally accompanied by a rather loud expulsion of air, green puffs of smoke and a muttered “pardon me”, is far greater than any need to attempt to make me anything like ladylike!
Still, at least they’re top toxic burps and not bottom toxic burps. They’re visiting this week. Not sure why this week is special. Maybe it’s in the treatment plan? Yesterday was week five of the “Red Devil” and they appeared on week two as well. I might have to have a look at the schedule, make sure I make full use of any future visits!
Oooh….is that Mr Bad Fairy and the Juniors I see scrambling down the driveway clutching half-packed suitcases?!
Have you ever stood in a queue and just wished that everyone in front of you would miraculously disappear? I have, I’m not the most patient of shoppers at the best of times, shopping fights for the prized last place on the to-do list with housework. I now have a secret weapon which clears an aisle/bar/queue in an instant!
The Toxic Burp. It’s a rather rank and putrid burp admittedly but it does a fantastic job so mustn’t be criticised too heavily. I think it’s brought about by the culmination of so many drugs to counter act the side effects of the side effects that the side effects cause … if you get my drift!!
Toxic burps seem to be rather selective which I suppose is a good thing. They pick one week at a time and then shuffle off and retreat to some little pit somewhere to be infused with smelly things until their next outing a couple of weeks later. The recipe would probably make for interesting reading.
Why not do the ladylike thing and keep them to yourself I hear you ask? Hah! Have you had toxic burps? Have you tried to suppress a toxic burp? Easier said than done. They have a mind of their own and will not be stopped in their flow. Their need to release that pent up stink, ideally accompanied by a rather loud expulsion of air, green puffs of smoke and a muttered “pardon me”, is far greater than any need to attempt to make me anything like ladylike!
Still, at least they’re top toxic burps and not bottom toxic burps. They’re visiting this week. Not sure why this week is special. Maybe it’s in the treatment plan? Yesterday was week five of the “Red Devil” and they appeared on week two as well. I might have to have a look at the schedule, make sure I make full use of any future visits!
Oooh….is that Mr Bad Fairy and the Juniors I see scrambling down the driveway clutching half-packed suitcases?!
Friday 9 April 2010
Tears of a clown......
……when there’s no-one around.
Quite apt words I suppose. Clowns do cry and so do Bad Fairies.
This blog post has been rambling around my head for a while and after a few “moments” this week I feel I can now put the detail to it and be brave and share. I’m very conscious of the fact that I tend write as I think and most of the time I’m naturally quite cheerful and chirpy. Sometimes though the tears roll.
I’ve always cried, it’s not a new thing. Films, books, songs have all been known to set me off. The sort of crying that involves a few tears meandering slowly and discreetly down a cheek.
But something has changed. My emotions are more free-flowing and more open than ever before. I haven’t got time to waste bottling things up so I’m less guarded, I can’t think of a better way to describe it.
These tears are a whole new experience. They’re not tears for me or indeed anyone else, they’re not tears of sadness, frustration or even anger. They’re tears brought about by the kindness and thoughtfulness of others towards me, including strangers. That sounds awful doesn’t it? You’d think no one had ever been kind to me before! They have, but I’ve never been so touched emotionally by it, or at least not to the extent that I bawl my eyes out and turn myself into a soggy faced, unable to talk, crumpled heap for five minutes at a time! As you can see it passes quickly but it is unbelievably intense whilst it lasts and usually happens totally out of the blue.
Some examples of the things that have set me off this week alone…..
An email from a wonderful lady to say thank you for some flowers I‘d given her. Apparently my timing, unbeknownst to me, was perfect and the flowers had lifted her just when she needed a little boost.
My mum’s hairdresser Ali, asking if I would allow her to wear my name on her back when she and some friends run the “Race for Life” this year. Ali doesn’t really know me, but is a good friend of Mum’s and (unfortunately for her!) she gets to hear all about me.
Another email, forwarded by an aunt from a friend of hers who had read this blog. Such encouraging and supportive words, again from someone I don’t know but full of care, compassion and positive vibes for the Bad Fairy family.
And finally my Fairy Godmother. She reads me like a book, touches on subjects no one else has the courage to discuss and always with impeccable timing. She just “knows” if you know what I mean. Where would we be without a Fairy Godmother? I think she deserves a blog post dedicated just to her!
I’ve no idea how to label these tears …..any suggestions?
Quite apt words I suppose. Clowns do cry and so do Bad Fairies.
This blog post has been rambling around my head for a while and after a few “moments” this week I feel I can now put the detail to it and be brave and share. I’m very conscious of the fact that I tend write as I think and most of the time I’m naturally quite cheerful and chirpy. Sometimes though the tears roll.
I’ve always cried, it’s not a new thing. Films, books, songs have all been known to set me off. The sort of crying that involves a few tears meandering slowly and discreetly down a cheek.
But something has changed. My emotions are more free-flowing and more open than ever before. I haven’t got time to waste bottling things up so I’m less guarded, I can’t think of a better way to describe it.
These tears are a whole new experience. They’re not tears for me or indeed anyone else, they’re not tears of sadness, frustration or even anger. They’re tears brought about by the kindness and thoughtfulness of others towards me, including strangers. That sounds awful doesn’t it? You’d think no one had ever been kind to me before! They have, but I’ve never been so touched emotionally by it, or at least not to the extent that I bawl my eyes out and turn myself into a soggy faced, unable to talk, crumpled heap for five minutes at a time! As you can see it passes quickly but it is unbelievably intense whilst it lasts and usually happens totally out of the blue.
Some examples of the things that have set me off this week alone…..
An email from a wonderful lady to say thank you for some flowers I‘d given her. Apparently my timing, unbeknownst to me, was perfect and the flowers had lifted her just when she needed a little boost.
My mum’s hairdresser Ali, asking if I would allow her to wear my name on her back when she and some friends run the “Race for Life” this year. Ali doesn’t really know me, but is a good friend of Mum’s and (unfortunately for her!) she gets to hear all about me.
Another email, forwarded by an aunt from a friend of hers who had read this blog. Such encouraging and supportive words, again from someone I don’t know but full of care, compassion and positive vibes for the Bad Fairy family.
And finally my Fairy Godmother. She reads me like a book, touches on subjects no one else has the courage to discuss and always with impeccable timing. She just “knows” if you know what I mean. Where would we be without a Fairy Godmother? I think she deserves a blog post dedicated just to her!
I’ve no idea how to label these tears …..any suggestions?
Monday 5 April 2010
Tigger Juice .....
…..please Sir, can I have some more?
Rest assured, it does state on the packaging that ‘No Tiggers were harmed in the making of this product.’ I can’t honestly believe anyone would allow a Tigger to be juiced anyway, can you imagine the wailing and gnashing of teeth it would cause? Eeyore wouldn’t know what to mope about first!
Good thing it’s not real Tigger Juice then and only a nickname for more medication (I can hear the sigh of relief from here!). Tigger juice is the Bad Fairy nickname for the dexamethasone steroids given along side chemo. I had them with the last lot and am having them again. Taking into account that not too many of us would be clapping our hands in glee at the thought of chemotherapy, I do when Tigger Juice is mentioned.
The medical opinion is that it helps as an anti-sickness treatment, along with reducing any inflammation, reducing the risk of allergic reactions to the rest of the cocktail and can increase the appetite of those who lose theirs as a result of the rest of the chemical cocktail given. I’m sure it does a lot more besides but those are the reason I’m aware of.
Good news is it does the trick with me. No sickness (the important bit in my book!), a slimmer liver and thankfully no allergies.
It does however have side-effects. It makes me bounce …. Just like Tigger! Hence the name. Now normally I could be described as a sort of laid-back kind of person. I don’t rush out to run marathons, nor does housework appear that often at the top of my list of jobs to do, there are far more enjoyable things to spend my energy on. But, Tigger Juice messes up my sleep. I’m a night owl anyway and tend not to be in bed much before midnight and then catch up with a lie-in at the weekend if needed. This week has seen me up at 4am most mornings, and that’s after going to bed at about …ooh….1.30am!
Without Tigger Juice, this lack of sleep would have me sulking, stamping my feet and having tantrums and tearful outbursts, in much the same way as a sleep-deprived child. With Tigger Juice I find myself loading the washing machine at 4am, cleaning out kitchen cupboards (sorry spiders!), baking and writing blog posts (well at least I can do that quietly!!). I have a sneaky feeling that Mr Bad Fairy is quite relieved that the days of me waking him at 4am to share a cup of tea and look at the gorgeous sunrises have passed.
The Bad Fairy household would like to reassure you that I’m only allowed the Tigger Juice for four days of the week …. shame really, but there you go, I quite like the Tiggered-up me!
Rest assured, it does state on the packaging that ‘No Tiggers were harmed in the making of this product.’ I can’t honestly believe anyone would allow a Tigger to be juiced anyway, can you imagine the wailing and gnashing of teeth it would cause? Eeyore wouldn’t know what to mope about first!
Good thing it’s not real Tigger Juice then and only a nickname for more medication (I can hear the sigh of relief from here!). Tigger juice is the Bad Fairy nickname for the dexamethasone steroids given along side chemo. I had them with the last lot and am having them again. Taking into account that not too many of us would be clapping our hands in glee at the thought of chemotherapy, I do when Tigger Juice is mentioned.
The medical opinion is that it helps as an anti-sickness treatment, along with reducing any inflammation, reducing the risk of allergic reactions to the rest of the cocktail and can increase the appetite of those who lose theirs as a result of the rest of the chemical cocktail given. I’m sure it does a lot more besides but those are the reason I’m aware of.
Good news is it does the trick with me. No sickness (the important bit in my book!), a slimmer liver and thankfully no allergies.
It does however have side-effects. It makes me bounce …. Just like Tigger! Hence the name. Now normally I could be described as a sort of laid-back kind of person. I don’t rush out to run marathons, nor does housework appear that often at the top of my list of jobs to do, there are far more enjoyable things to spend my energy on. But, Tigger Juice messes up my sleep. I’m a night owl anyway and tend not to be in bed much before midnight and then catch up with a lie-in at the weekend if needed. This week has seen me up at 4am most mornings, and that’s after going to bed at about …ooh….1.30am!
Without Tigger Juice, this lack of sleep would have me sulking, stamping my feet and having tantrums and tearful outbursts, in much the same way as a sleep-deprived child. With Tigger Juice I find myself loading the washing machine at 4am, cleaning out kitchen cupboards (sorry spiders!), baking and writing blog posts (well at least I can do that quietly!!). I have a sneaky feeling that Mr Bad Fairy is quite relieved that the days of me waking him at 4am to share a cup of tea and look at the gorgeous sunrises have passed.
The Bad Fairy household would like to reassure you that I’m only allowed the Tigger Juice for four days of the week …. shame really, but there you go, I quite like the Tiggered-up me!
Thursday 1 April 2010
Over the rainbow.....
….....don’t panic!! I’m not about to burst into song, I promise. That would be far too cruel of me.
Aren’t rainbows the most beautiful, awesome natural creations? I still see them through the eyes of a child and feel all tingly and amazed whenever I spy one. I’ve no idea if my reaction is because of their magnificent yet simple colours, a fascination with the power of nature or a wish to hold on to innocent childhood fantasies of Leprechauns leaving crocks of gold at their ends! Whatever it might be, I stop and stare with wonder at them all. Luckily for me we seem to have picked an ideal rainbow spotting area in which to live. Since moving here I’ve seen more rainbows than ever, included double rainbows, something I’d never witnessed before and I never get bored of gazing at them.
Rainbows weave their way through many cultures, faith systems and folklore and have done for thousands of years. Some believe it is a pathway or bridge, others that it is a symbol of their God (or Gods and Goddesses). The stories are endless and fascinating in their diversity. For some a rainbow brings peace, hope or comfort, to others fear. After losing a much loved (and very ancient) cat a friend emailed me a copy of the poem “Rainbow Bridge”, a poem I’d never previously read but am now unlikely to forget.
So, rainbows … I know a secret. Leprechauns were only ever taking cheeky advantage of something created by fairy magic (ok … and a bit of science and nature!). Bad Fairies have a special affinity to rainbows. Many moons ago Bad Fairies were punished for minor infringements of fairy rules with a fairy ASBO. This resulted in pots of paints and brushes being issued and the instruction to repaint any fading rainbow seen. Now being Bad Fairies following explicit instructions can be very trying and does go against the grain somewhat. So they improvised. Splash the colours by all means but ladders and scaffold (elf n safety at it’s best!)? No chance! The best way to paint a rainbow is to scramble up one in the most ungainly way possible, attach a sodden paintbrush to a belt around your waist and slide down yelling “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” at the top of your voice! Hey Presto, great fun and leaves a rather haphazard stripe of colour in your wake ….job done!
When my time comes and I’m not here to ramble, I shall be sliding down rainbows. No star in the night sky for me, nor cold stone in the ground. Rainbow sliding’s where I’ll be! Bad fairies are good at hiding, but one day if you keep looking you might catch a glimpse of a paint covered, scruffy little fairy out of the corner of your eye, riding the rainbows with a massive grin on her face!
Aren’t rainbows the most beautiful, awesome natural creations? I still see them through the eyes of a child and feel all tingly and amazed whenever I spy one. I’ve no idea if my reaction is because of their magnificent yet simple colours, a fascination with the power of nature or a wish to hold on to innocent childhood fantasies of Leprechauns leaving crocks of gold at their ends! Whatever it might be, I stop and stare with wonder at them all. Luckily for me we seem to have picked an ideal rainbow spotting area in which to live. Since moving here I’ve seen more rainbows than ever, included double rainbows, something I’d never witnessed before and I never get bored of gazing at them.
Rainbows weave their way through many cultures, faith systems and folklore and have done for thousands of years. Some believe it is a pathway or bridge, others that it is a symbol of their God (or Gods and Goddesses). The stories are endless and fascinating in their diversity. For some a rainbow brings peace, hope or comfort, to others fear. After losing a much loved (and very ancient) cat a friend emailed me a copy of the poem “Rainbow Bridge”, a poem I’d never previously read but am now unlikely to forget.
So, rainbows … I know a secret. Leprechauns were only ever taking cheeky advantage of something created by fairy magic (ok … and a bit of science and nature!). Bad Fairies have a special affinity to rainbows. Many moons ago Bad Fairies were punished for minor infringements of fairy rules with a fairy ASBO. This resulted in pots of paints and brushes being issued and the instruction to repaint any fading rainbow seen. Now being Bad Fairies following explicit instructions can be very trying and does go against the grain somewhat. So they improvised. Splash the colours by all means but ladders and scaffold (elf n safety at it’s best!)? No chance! The best way to paint a rainbow is to scramble up one in the most ungainly way possible, attach a sodden paintbrush to a belt around your waist and slide down yelling “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” at the top of your voice! Hey Presto, great fun and leaves a rather haphazard stripe of colour in your wake ….job done!
When my time comes and I’m not here to ramble, I shall be sliding down rainbows. No star in the night sky for me, nor cold stone in the ground. Rainbow sliding’s where I’ll be! Bad fairies are good at hiding, but one day if you keep looking you might catch a glimpse of a paint covered, scruffy little fairy out of the corner of your eye, riding the rainbows with a massive grin on her face!
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